When Am I Going to See You Again Insecure Attachment

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Can Your Attachment Style Change? A Therapist Explains

Couples Therapist

By Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT

Couples Therapist

Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, TV personality, and writer of 'Hard Work Or Harmony.' She has a master'due south caste in Clinical Psychology from Azusa Pacific University, and her piece of work has been featured in The New York Times, Oprah Magazine, Essence, VICE, and elsewhere.

Prototype past VeaVea / Stocksy

July 21, 2021

Attachment style is a topic that is finally getting some much-needed attention. Why? Because everything nosotros exercise derives from our attachment with others. How we manage romantic relationships, how we relate to our co-workers, and even how we parent comes from our own attachment style.

According to attachment theory, adults typically accept one of four zipper styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful avoidant. Most people know your attachment style is built in childhood and typically maintained throughout your life, and the goal is always to exist securely attached. That means you're able to grade secure relationships with others, can trust easily, and are able to love and be loved. A person with a secure zipper style isn't afraid of intimacy or fearful of others leaving when infinite is given.

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How your zipper fashion can alter throughout your life.

Three distinct scenarios come to mind when nosotros talk nigh changing ane's attachment style.

Scenario ane: Through life experiences.

A male child—allow'due south name him Aaron—grows upwards in a loving dwelling house. His parents take keen care of him, no noticeable trauma was present throughout his upbringing, and he learned very early how loved he was. His parents' consistency showed him that he can trust others while learning to dear and be loved. He grew up with a secure attachment style.

Later in life when he began to appointment, Aaron experienced a series of unhealthy romantic relationships involving partners that did everything from cheating to lying to monitoring his phone and social media. These partners had ane of the insecure zipper styles, and it wreaked havoc on him.

Instead of allowing the secure attachment style that he has always known to stay strong and firm, Aaron allowed a wall to build up. He began to become avoidant and dependent upon himself. He was trying so hard to protect himself from getting hurt over again by the adjacent relationship that he became the contrary of what he needed. His attachment style moved from secure to avoidant.

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Scenario 2: Between relationships.

I once worked with a client who we'll telephone call Susan (she gave me permission to share her story) who had an anxious attachment style. She was in a relationship with someone where she was e'er on edge. It was not the healthiest human relationship to brainstorm with: She consistently found herself consumed with fears about whether he would leave her or whether he was talking to other women, dissecting all his words to create stories of why he may suspension up with her shortly, and she felt extremely insecure when away from him. Susan even looked through his telephone at some of his text bulletin exchanges. No surprise to her, the relationship ended for multiple reasons.

Afterward processing the breakup and doing some intense work in therapy, she met someone new. I immediately noticed a shift. The way she interacted and talked nigh him was completely unlike from the previous human relationship. At that place wasn't a hint of jealousy or anxiousness. She was OK with the distance and whatever space he needed for piece of work. They took astonishing trips together, and she was able to dearest and be loved freely.

When I brought this to her attending, she acknowledged how true it was—the way she engaged with her new fellow was indeed much healthier than in her past relationship. Susan did not showroom the anxiety and worry she had in one case felt. Afterward, nosotros constitute out he also had a secure attachment fashion, which perhaps contributed to the noticeable difference in dynamic.

Information technology was a prime instance of a truth virtually the nature of attachment styles: A person's attachment way can change depending on who they are in a relationship with—or in some cases, permanently alter.

Scenario iii: Through personal growth.

I have been aware my whole life that I accept an broken-hearted attachment fashion. This attachment style came from my upbringing (it's a long story!), and it affected the fashion I was showing upwardly in my romantic relationships. I tended to need constant validation, I got nervous when my partner needed space, I questioned myself, I did non trust fully, and I had a hard time receiving love hands.

All that said, I accept been in therapy on and off for over a decade. During this decade, I have done some deep work on myself and how I interact with others.

More than recently, I was dating someone who conspicuously had an avoidant attachment style. I could not encounter it at first, but then the signs became clear. Instead of me going back into my normal broken-hearted zipper style, I did the opposite. I started to exemplify elements of being securely attached. Seriously, my therapist literally stated, "I am so proud of you. I do non know if you meet it, but lately you have been handling your relationships in a secured manner!"

Bingo! It happened again—just this time, with me.

Why? I had put in the necessary work toward reaching a healthier state, and, man, did it feel good. To be honest, it yet takes massive work on my cease. I desire to go dorsum to my sometime "anxious" ways all the time because that is all I knew for then long. But it feels skilful to exist on this side. Here is where I choose to stay!

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Choosing to change.

Is it possible that Aaron, Susan, and I all had our zipper style change? I believe and then.

Changing your attachment style for the better is no easy feat. Information technology takes acknowledgment, work, rewiring of interactions, resetting boundaries, learning healthier means of relating, and sorting through your trauma. Professional help usually goes a long way.

Hither are some things to remember when working to change your attachment style:

• Know your zipper style and identify the styles of those effectually yous. Trust me: It will help you tremendously in understanding the deportment of others, and y'all volition have more empathy and compassion.
• Acknowledge the process. A secure zipper fashion is the goal, but sympathize it may accept time to get there. Requite yourself grace if you are anxious, avoidant, or fearful avoidant. In that location is no time limit. Accept your fourth dimension to go to your desired destination.
• Don't proceed this journey lone. Seek out a therapist or counselor if yous have the means, or wait to resources similar books and podcasts for self-education.

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No matter which attachment style you currently take, simply retrieve we all are humans dealing with the same problems in unlike forms. You can truly do anything you put your mind to. If developing a healthier zipper style is i of your goals, you can exercise it!

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Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/can-your-attachment-style-change

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